Transformers: Robots in Disguise
“Sideburn’s Obsession” – Episode 7
Written by Richard Epcar
Transcription by Brandon Williams

–
Guy: Oh wow! What’s that?

Sideburn: Oh baby, you’re looking fine! You know I can’t resist a red sportscar! What curves! Honey, you are really put together! Wanna go cruisin’?! Playing hard to get, eh? Hey, wait up!

Prowl: We get a call about two cars about two cars speeding on the interstate, and who does it turn out to be? None other than Sideburn! He’ll never learn. I can’t let these other police cars get messed up in this. Attention all units, return to the station. I will continue pursuit. He can’t break the law on my watch! I’m gonna throw the book at him this time! I should’ve known it was a red sportscar. He’s drawn to them like a moth to a flame! Wait a minute, there is something suspicious about that car. Hey Sideburn, pull it over. I’m not kidding. Pull it over right now! What am I gonna do with this guy?! If he wasn’t my brother I’d run him in, lock him up and throw away the key.

Sideburn: Hey baby, what’s the rush? Let me buy ya a quart of oil. I don’t mean to criticise, but what are we doing here? I know some great roads we could cruise! Now that’s more like it. Oh man, what a downer.

Sky-Byte: You are so predictable, Sideburn. Now you’re our prisoner, smooth talker.

Sideburn: Does this mean our date is off?

Megatron: Sky-Byte, I will leave this up to you.

Sky-Byte: Don’t you worry. I’ll handle it.

Sideburn: Well he does know how to make a great exit, I’ll give him that.

Sky-Byte: I knew that if Megatron converted into a little red sportscar, you’d follow him here just like a little puppy dog.

Dark Scream: All the Predacons know that you have a thing for red sportscars!

Slapper: It looks like your passion was your downfall. You are such a loser!

Sky-Byte: You, Sideburn, were the easiest target of all the Autobots, so I abducted you first. It was so simple to trap you and make you our hostage, I’m actually embarassed to be you. Now we can lure the rest of your team here and destroy them.

Sideburn: Sideburn, transform!

Dark Scream: Predacons, terrorize!

Slapper: Terrorize!

Gas Skunk: Terrorize!

Sideburn: Hey, get off!

Gas Skunk: You’re pathetic.

Sky-Byte: You’re not going anywhere.

Sideburn: I can’t move!

Sky-Byte: Cancel all your appointments. You’re going to be a little tied up.

Slapper: They’re energon chains.

Gas Skunk: No matter what you do, you can’t get free. Even if I kick you like this!

Sky-Byte: Don’t mind him. He’s a little angry about all the times your friends have foiled our schemes. Slapper, make sure you let all his friends know that he is missing.

Slapper: Yeah!

[Transition]

Photographer: Say ‘cheese,’ kids!

Kids: Cheese!

T-AI: Megatron has been spotted in quadrant 5, Prime. We need you.

Optimus: All right, I’m on my way. In the mean time, I want you to round up the rest of the crew and have them meet me.

T-AI: I’ll take care of everything. Leave it to me, sir. Bringing Autobot Brothers online. Activating battle protocol. Sideburn, come in. Emergency!

Prowl: I hope you had more luck than I did. I’ve been looking for him all night. He’s vanished into thin air.

T-AI: Prowl, report to quadrant 5 right away. I’ll have Sideburn meet you there when I contact him.

Prowl: Roger, T-AI. I copy that. I’m on my way and I’ll check in later.

T-AI: X-Brawn, report. You’re needed right away.

X-Brawn: Roger, T-AI.

Kelly: You know, I’m beginning to think that car has a mind of its own! Hey!

X-Brawn: Later!

[Transition]

Prowl: This is ridiculous. He’s completely disappeared! T-AI, where is Sideburn?

T-AI: I don’t know, Prowl. He hasn’t responded.

Prowl: This is too much, even for him. I know he’s irresponsible sometimes, but even he wouldn’t ignore an emergency call.

Slapper: Heh. Right laser!

Optimus: Optimus Prime, transform!

Prowl: Prowl, transform!

X-Brawn: X-Brawn, transform!

Optimus: Not a wise move, Slapper!

Slapper: Too bad, tin head. I got a message for ya! And I’d do what it says! Hahaha!

Prowl: All right, freeze, dirt bag!

Optimus: Prowl! Wait.

Prowl: Sideburn!

Sky-Byte: Optimus Prime, recognize this pitiful Autobot as one of your team? Pay very close attention to what I’m about to tell you if you ever want to see him again. Come alone and meet me on the location on the map. Otherwise…

Prowl: Sideburn was chasing a red sportscar last night. I tried to tail them but they lost me.

Optimus: Apparently it was just a trap set by the Predacons.

Prowl: I let him slip right through my fingers.

X-Brawn: You won’t be alone, we’re going with you, Prime.

Optimus: No. They’re holding Sideburn at the dismantling plant. I have no choice but to do what they say.

X-Brawn: No way. You’ll be walking right into a trap.

Optimus: Probably, but I’ll go and check it out. You two return to the base. I’ll fill you in when I know what’s going on.

X-Brawn: I just don’t like it, Optimus.

Prowl: I don’t like it either. Are you sure you don’t want us to surround the place? I mean, we could create a perimeter.

Optimus: No, I’m the one they want. I’ll go. You two do as I say and that’s an order!

X-Brawn: Sometimes you’re as stubborn as a packbot!

Prowl: C’mon, Optimus. You shouldn’t go in without backup.

Optimus: Look, right now the most important thing to me is Sideburn’s safety and I’m the only one who can save him. But I promise you, if I get my hands on Megatron, I’m gonna make him pay.

Koji’s Friend: This machine makes scrap metal out of cars.

Koji: Wow, it’s humungous. How come they let you in the plant?

Friend: Dad helps to design and build all this stuff. It’s pretty cool, isn’t it? Hey Dad, start it up.

Koji’s Friend’s Dad: All right, here goes.

Koji: Amazing!

Friend: A car doesn’t stand a chance in there.

Sky-Byte: Sky-Byte, terrorize! I’m taking over this plant and I suggest you leave.

Koji: Hey… It’s Sideburn. I’ve gotta get him away from here somehow!

Gas Skunk: That’ll be you next, tin brain.

Sideburn: You act tough when I’m all tied up. Take these chains off and we’ll see how tough you are.

Dark Scream: You’re all talk, freak!

Sideburn: I’m a freak? I’m not afraid of any of you Preds, I’ll take you all on!

Dark Scream: Why you little–!

Sky-Byte: Dark Scream, don’t let him bait you. Prepare the energon chains at once.

Dark Scream: You lucked out this time, you hunk of junk, but when I’m done taking care of this, you and your whole team are going down! Let’s see how you run your mouth when we capture your leader… Oh man, this is going to be sweet! I hope you like the sound of ripping, shredding metal, Sideburn. Hahaha!

Sky-Byte: Hahaha!

[Transition]

X-Brawn: I don’t know about you, little brother, but I’m stuck. I’m not much good at this waiting business.

Prowl: Yeah, I’d much rather be pursuing or apprehending.

T-AI: Is something the matter, gentlemen?

X-Brawn: Hey, I’ve got it! T-AI, send out the Spychangers. They’ve got all that great camoflague and stuff. They can help us. Get ’em on the horn, little lady!

T-AI: I can’t dispatch the Spychangers. They’re on assignment. You’ll have to wait till they come back from their mission.

Prowl: T-AI, this is an emergency.

X-Brawn: Sideburn’s been kidnapped and Optimus is in danger.

Prowl: You’ve got to do something!

T-AI: Why didn’t you say so in the first place?

X-Brawn: Now will you help us?

T-AI: I will call the Spychangers. Three Spychangers online. Activating battle protocol. Hot Shot and REV, recall. Priority one.

Hot Shot: I’m on top of it!

REV: I am revved up and ready to go!

T-AI: Crosswise, Autobots need assistance.

Crosswise: Roger, I’m up for a little action.

Prowl: This is frustrating. There’s gotta be something we can do.

T-AI: Optimus should be reporting in any minute now.

Prowl: I hope he’s got some good ideas. Sitting around here isn’t going to help Sideburn.

X-Brawn: I think you and I oughta check out that dismantling plant. Maybe we can make ourselves useful, if you catch my drift.

Prowl: We’ll be spotted, won’t we?

X-Brawn: Not if we’re wearing some nifty disguises.

Prowl: Disguises, are you serious? You mean like undercover? How’s this, big brother? Can you guess who I am?

X-Brawn: We’re gonna have to come up with something better than that. We have to blend in. Try vehicle mode.

Prowl: Right.

[Transition (Car Robots style)]

Prowl: How’s this?! They’ll never know it’s me!

X-Brawn: That is the dumbest disguise I have ever seen!

Prowl: Listen, I’m a patrol car. That’s what I am. And I’m very proud of my uniform.

X-Brawn: Look, we don’t have time for that right now. We have to go in disguise. Listen, I’ve got an idea how we can get close without being seen. It’ll take some good ol’ Autobot ingenuity! Let’s go!

[Transition]

Prowl: This is ridiculous. I can’t drive around like this. Look at me, I look like a buffoon!

X-Brawn: Clamp your vocalizer and follow me.

Sky-Byte: You should’ve seen the look on your face when the red sportscar changed into Megatron.

Slapper: Yeah, what’s up with that? Why do you like red sportscars so much anyway?

Sideburn: Are you that interested? Do you really want to know why I’m obsessed with red sportscars?

Slapper: Yeah!

Sideburn: All right then. It all started when I just came online. I was just a classic sportscar myself when I spotted my first red sportscar. We were madly in love, but one tragic night, she had an accident. Our love wasn’t meant to be. But I could never forget her. I think of her often. And even now, when I see a red sportscar, something inside compels me to follow. I just can’t help it. Kind of a sad story, isn’t it?

Slapper: That was beautiful.

Sideburn: And when I was very young, I was just a tricycle.

Slapper: You were a teeny, tiny, itty-bitty tricycle?

Sideburn: My first love was a red tricycle. We’d go riding together every day, but then her family moved and I never saw her again.

Slapper: Gee, that’s the saddest story I’ve ever heard!

Sky-Byte: Knock it off, Slapper! This Autobot is from Cybertron, he wasn’t a sportscar or a tricycle! You are so gullible.

Slapper: You mean you made all of that stuff up?

Sideburn: Yeah, you wanna buy some swampland? Optimus Prime!

Sky-Byte: Did you come alone?

Optimus: Yes, I held up my part of the bargain. Now keep your promise and let Sideburn go!

Sky-Byte: Sure thing, just come a little closer.

Sideburn: Don’t do it, it’s a trap! They’re going to capture you and turn you over to Megatron!

Optimus: Optimus Prime, transforrr– ah!

Sky-Byte: Aw, what’s the matter?

Gas Skunk: Can’t move?!

Sky-Byte: You really shouldn’t struggle so much. You’re just gonna stress your linkage. Come and get him.

Megatron: Excellent, Sky-Byte.

Sky-Byte: Yes, I have to admit, it’s nothing short of genius!

Slapper: Hey, what are we, Vehicon Drones?

Koji: They’ve got Optimus too.

X-Brawn: All right, we’re here. Stay low and just try and blend in. Let’s ease our way toward Optimus and Sideburn.

Prowl: 10-4, but I still feel dumb in this get up.

X-Brawn: Aww, quit your belly achin’. Come on. Hold up a second.

Megatron: Ha, ha, ha…

X-Brawn: Uh oh! Big boss himself just showed up.

Prowl: I see that. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Sky-Byte: Here he is, Megatron.

Megatron: Nice work, Sky-Byte. As for you, Optimus, I’ve been waiting a long time for this moment. Cutter Beam!

Sky-Byte: Hahaha! That looked really painful!

Optimus: The deal was that if I came here alone you’d let Sideburn go free!

Sky-Byte: You should know better than to trust me.

Sideburn: Hang on, Optimus. I know we can get through this. They’re not strong enough to defeat the Autobots.

Gas Skunk: Hey pipsqueak, keep your trap shut.

Prowl: This is awful. I can’t take much more of this. We’ve got to do something.

X-Brawn: Check out the building. See if we can surprise him.

Prowl: Wait a minute, who’s that behind the crate? Hey, it’s Koji.

X-Brawn: Koji? What in tarnation is he doing here?

Prowl: Koji… Koji… Come in.

Koji: Prowl, thank goodness it’s you. They’ve got Optimus Prime and Sideburn.

Prowl: I know. I’m with X-Brawn. We’re at the plant right now.

Koji: I don’t see anything except for a couple of junky cars.

Prowl: That’s us.

Koji: Huh?!

Prowl: Listen, I need you to start the scrap metal machine when I tell you to.

Koji: No problem.

X-Brawn: What are you cooking up now?

Prowl: I’m going to have the electro-magnet drop me on the conveyor belt.

X-Brawn: No, you’ll be turned into scrap metal!

Prowl: Don’t worry, bro. I have a plan. It just might work. Besides, we’ve gotta do something to get Sideburn and Optimus outta here. Wish me luck. All right, Koji, now! Hit the button!

Koji: All right!

Sky-Byte: What’s that? Who started the machine?

Slapper: That’s the ugliest car I’ve ever seen.

Gas Skunk: That should be smashed into scrap metal.

X-Brawn: Prowl, get outta there!

Prowl: Prowl, transform! Double Barrell Blaster!

Sideburn: Yeah!

X-Brawn: Move in now, Spychangers!

REV: Don’t have to tell me twice!

Hot Shot: Game over, Preda-creeps.

Mirage: Don’t look now, but you’re surrounded.

Crosswise: You mess with one Autobot, you mess with us all!

Sky-Byte: Where’d they come from?

Sideburn: I know it’s not right to seek revenge, think we should just turn the other fender, maybe cut ’em a break?

Optimus: Let’s teach these creeps a lesson they’ll never forget!

Sideburn: Works for me! Oh boys, we wanna have a little chat with you!

Prowl: Jet Boosters!

Optimus: You’re going down, Megatron! Blaze Blaster!

Megatron: Megatron, dragon mode! Twin Dragon Breath!

Sideburn: It’s payback time, fish breath! Have a blast!

Crosswise: Cross-Blaster!

Mirage: Mirage Morter!

REV: I’m locked on ya now, Gas Skunk!

Hot Shot: Eat photon.

Optimus: Give it up, Megatron!

Megatron: Here’s my answer to you!

Sideburn: Hey pal, you just made a big mistake! X-Brawn, how about giving me a ride up to where Megatron is, all right?

X-Brawn: X-Brawn, transform! Hang on, little brother, we’re going off-road!

Sideburn: Woohoo!

Megatron: Now what?

Sideburn: Fire! Take that, you big ugly reptile!

Optimus: Optimus Prime, battle mode! Blizzard Storm!

Megatron: Mega-Beast form!

Dark Scream: We’re outta here!

Megatron: This whole idea was nothing more than a disaster. Sky-Byte, this cyber-brain scheme was your idea, wasn’t it?

Sky-Byte: Actually Megatron, it was Gas Skunk and Dark Scream’s idea. Not mine!

Dark Scream: What?!

Sky-Byte: I wouldn’t lie, sire!

Megatron: Off to the pit! They will be punished severely for their failure.

[Transition]

Optimus: Good work, Autobots.

Sideburn: I could’ve made it outta there by myself, but it was nice to have some help. I hope you can find it in your spark plugs to forgive me.

X-Brawn: Well, you gave us a jolt. That was pretty irresponsible, little brother, but I think we’re all happy you’re back. Just don’t do that again.

Sideburn: No way!

Optimus: Thankfully we all made it of there in one piece. Let’s be more careful in the future.

Prowl: I’m just glad I’m out of that disguise.

Optimus: And I’m just happy that Sideburn learned a lesson from everything that’s happened.

X-Brawn: Oh, I’m sure he did, right bro?

Sideburn: Yeah, I did. Don’t worry about it. From now on, it’s the straight and narrow for me. Uh oh. Baby, where are you going so fast? Slow down and talk to me!

Prowl: Hey Sideburn, get back here! What about your promise?

Sideburn: Oh, I’m sorry guys. When I see a red metallic sheet I just can’t help myself. Hey doll, come back here!

X-Brawn: Oh, I give up. We’re gonna have to put binders on his headlights.

Sideburn: Come on, honey. You and I got chemistry. Can you feel it? What’s your VIN number? Hey, wait up! Look at the tires on that car! Come back, sweetie! I think I love you!

[End]